Third time was not a charm

I lost my third baby one month ago. I am so sad.

Betas Are Back

My third beta was 3329. My doubling time was 61.88 hours. Not as high as I would have wanted, but my doctor seems to think everything is fine.

We'll find out next Monday for sure. I have my first ultrasound scheduled. If we see a heartbeat I will be absolutely jumping for joy!

I can't wait for next Monday. How am going to make it until then?

Thirst Beta today

Today I am going for my third beta. I am so nervous. For those who don't know, a beta is the the amount of the pregnancy hormone hcg in your blood. When you first become pregnant, the number is supposed to double every 48 hours or so. It's not supposed to matter what your number is, just as long as it doubles. Well, regardless of what people say, I want numbers to be high!

My first beta at 17 dpo was 132, and my second one at 20 dpo was 507. They numbers went up correctly. It's confusing though because some women get betas in the 1-2 hundred range way earlier than 17 dpo. Ugh! I am driving my self nuts. Today is 27 dpo and I am hoping my numbers are in the 6 thousand range. I went on Betabase.info and the average number entered with women my age was 4722. So I would be happy with that range. Dear god let this be a positive experience today! I want my number to go up and my baby to live! Please please God, in the name of your holy Son Jesus Christ, hear my prayers and let my baby live!!! Take away this fear of mine, and allow me to enjoy my pregnancy.

5 weeks and 4 days

Today I am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. A lot of people wouldn't even know they are pregnant yet, but I know. I am obsessed counting all of the changes in my body. My nipples are darker, and man do they hurt. It's different from my last 2 pregnancies though. My boobs have this burning feeling on the side, but don't really hurt to bad. My nipples are ridiculously sensitive. I do have a little bit of nausea and painful gas in my belly after eating, but no real morning sickness.

I really really want morning sickness. I think it will make this pregnancy feel more real.

I have a confession. I bought a crib and a changing table on craigslist. I know!! It's super early and with my history, what am I doing?

Well, this babies life is in God's hands and I'm praying that he let's this one stay with us. I am going to stay hopeful and positive. I really believe that this baby will stay with us!

Dear God, please bless this baby. I know that you can make this baby strong and healthy. Please bless this baby!!

The crib and changing table are in the garage. It's a Jenny Lind Style crib and changing table. It's an oak wood color, but I will paint it to match our nursery depending on if we have a boy or a girl. If we have a girl I want to paint it a light lavender color. If we have a girl I want her room to be different shades of lavender with lots of soft fluffy fabrics.

If we have a boy, I will paint it a light blue color. His room will be shades of light blue and Orange.

I hope I get the chance to complete this nursery. If you are willing to keep our family in your thoughts and prayers, we could use all the prayers we can get. If you need us to pray for you, let me know, because we would more than happy to.

We did it (again)!!!

We're Pregnant!!! I'm soo excited, but still very reserved. I am so hopeful that this is it for us and I'm just praying like crazy that God let's me keep this one. Please God, please let this baby grow big and strong!

Friday I had betas drawn at 17 DPO. They were 125. Today at 20 DPO they were 507! So far soo good. I have another blood draw one week from today and my first ultrasound schedule two weeks from today. I Pray to god I get to see the baby and it's heartbeat. I've never gotten to experience that before.

Wish me luck, and I'll take any prayers you got for my LO and I.

Still TTCing

I'm still at it. I'll be so glad when this whole ttc process is behind me. Right now I'm on cycle day 18. I had to skip last month and I started my second round of clomid this month. I went in for my Follie check last Monday, I had a big Follie, but I wasn't surging yet. The doctor gave me the trigger shot to induce ovulation on monday afternoon and I guess you can ovulate anywhere from 12-36 hours after that. My chart doesn't make much sense and overall I really have no idea what's going on with my body.

On the bright side, I am getting my hair done afterwork tonight, so that will hopefully make me feel better. I haven't had my hair professional styled in a long time. I am planning on going out on Friday as well. My friends and I are going to on group date. Dinner and bowling or Karaoke or something like that. It'll be nice to hang out. I don't hardly get to see them ever. Plus it'll we'll be a nice distraction from all of this TTCing. I am going to try to forget about the whole ttc process for a while. I am beginning my two week wait and I don't want to stress out over this stuff. I will say my prayers, place this all in God's hands and then focus on othr areas of my life, like my husband and family and friends. I will not be testing early this time. I will wait till I'm 3 or 4 days late before I go buy any tests. I don't want to find out early and then have a chemical pregnancy-God Forbid! That would suck so bad.

Hopefully this is our month! I am going to get pregnant with my forever baby. Hopefully sooner than later.

Well That was short lived.

I'm might be losing the baby. I had some brown spotting, very brief, last night and I called the doctor's office to let them know. They wanted to run my blood work again. It turns out the pregnancy horomone in my body stopped doubling on Monday. My doctor's are pretty sure I am going to miscarry. So I have to wait for AF to get here, then wait another cycle and then we can try again.

Life sucks!

How long can I keep this up?

It's hard not telling the world that I am pregnant. My husband and I have talked it over at length and we feel it would be okay to tell our immediate families, but we have decided to wait until the time is right. We're not sure when that will be, of course. It may be today, it may be after our first ultrasound, it may be after we complete the first trimester.

That being said, two people have already figured it out.
Emily, one of my best friends from high school, and my wonderful sister in law, Amanda. (Amanda M., not Amanda E.-I have two wonderful sister in laws with the same name!)

Emily figured it out before I knew. Early last week she said I was glowing and needed to test. Yesterday, we went to a wedding, and I drank mostly water all night. The only decaffeinated pop was root beer and I wasn't in the mood for that. So Amanda put two and two together right away, because I am always a wino at weddings!

It was so exciting to be able to tell her, but I couldn't really talk about it because we were surrounded the whole night. In fact, I think I'll call her now!

TTYL!!

I'M FREAKING PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's Right!!! We did it!!! We have tiny little baby growing in my belly!!!! I haven't been soo excited. I took a test on Wednesday and there was a line, but it was soo super faint that my husband couldn't even see it. I could though!!! So I went the doctor for a blood test, and the tested me and my HCG was at 24. The nurse thought I was testing out the trigger shot they gave me, so she told me to come back today and lo and behold--They more than doubled!! My numbers today were at 59, so considering I may have had a late implanter, I'm right on schedule!!!!


AaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! We haven't told anyone yet. Except one of my bffs. I just think I'll wait till they ask if I'm pregnant!! How funny would that be!!!

Dear God,
Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!! I feel as if I won the lottery!! Thank you for blessing us with a child! Please God take care of my baby and help him/her to grow big and strong.
I love you soo much! Thank you for this baby!!!

Ugh! The Waiting Game!

I think I might be pregnant, but I'm not sure and I refuse to test! The reason I refuse to test is because I don't want to be disappointed if Aunt Flo comes or if I (GOD FORBID!!) have a chemical pregnancy.

So I wait. My doctor told me to test on Wednesday if AF hasn't dropped by yet, but I think I'm going to wait until Friday. Friday just seems like a good day to do it. I'd be about 2-3 days late by then.

Why do I think I'm pg? Well for one thing, , my boobs are swollen and they hurt!! (And my boobs never hurt, except for the last time I got pg!) It could be a side effect from the Clomid - yet another reason why I am waiting to test.

Yesterday I had very light spotting in the morning. I did the q-tip test and it came out very light light light pink. I got really sad, because I though AF was here, but now I am think it may have been implantation spotting, because google it and implantation spotting usually occurs between cycle days 6 and 12, or couple of days before AF is supposed to show up. And today there is nothing showing up down there. Last time I don't think I had implantation spotting, but I also wasn't analyzing the sh!t out of my body, either! Plus I have to pee all the time.

Ugh! I'm driving myself crazy! Anyway, a few more days of waiting and I will know for sure.

1 week Down, 1 week to go

Ugh! The official 2ww (week wait). My first "official" 2ww since beginning to ttc after my m/c last year.

And it sucks. Royally.

I thought I would be able to rest and relax, since it was soo much work charting my temps, trying to figure out when I was going to O, and when to BD. I thought this would be the best part. Sitting back and waiting for my second BFP! Well it's definitely not. Before when I was just sorta TTC without charting without meds, I always had these phantom symptoms. heartburn, aversion to certain smells, weird cramping in my abdomen. Well, now that I actually have a shot of being pg (possibly with twins - I had two eggs release), I feel nothing! I keep telling myself that I am exhausted or tired, but I mainly think it's depression. I'm soo depressed. I wish I were pregnant so badly to the point where I actually am sick of wanting a baby! I just want to feel carefree like I was before I got pregnant. Before when I wasn't TTC or TTA (trying to avoid getting pg), when I just didn't think about it. When it didn't affect me at all hearing about babies or seeing pregnant people.

I just feel like such a complete loser and failure at life. This 2ww sucks. I am planning on testing on Sunday (Father's Day), but honestly right now I feel like what's the point? I doubt I am pregnant. I want to be postive, but reality just wont let me.

Time for the "Baby Dance!"

Ok, so I went to my doctor today and she confirmed that I am about to O! Yay! My doctor says I should wait until tomorrow night to the BD. In fact, she specifically said not to BD. It's just funny because I thought we are supposed to start trying as soon as you get your LHsurge. I asked her about and she said to trust her and not BD until tomorrow morning. Whatever. I want to listen to her, but we shall see if I actually will. Anyways, overall, a great day!

My new sectional

We have been waiting for months and it's finally arrived. It's flexsteel and super comfortable and it has four recliners. Yay! I'm blogging right now while I'm sitting in it and it's awesome!!!

Super Excited!!

I'm soo excited today! This morning I had a HUGE temperature dip! I think this means I am about to O! I'm so excited I could scream! I am going to the OB today. I'm getting an ultrasound done. I guess they should be able to tell me EXACTLY when me and my hubs should be getting it on!! Whoo Hoo!! I'm feeling so happy and positive today - I don't think anything can crush my mood! Plus, our new sectional for our downstairs family room came today! Woot! We have been waiting for it for 3 months! I'll post pics of it later! It's so comfy!

TTC (Trying To Concieve)

A couple of years ago a coworker of mine,commented on how he never wanted to have to try to have a baby. At the time I completely agreed with him. I thought trying to have a baby would be no fun! I always figured I would just let happen when it's supposed to happen.

Well, that was exactly how it did happened. Surprise BFP (big fast positive) last September, and then a crushing blow to my heart less then one month later. No, the baby wasn't planned, but the miscarriage sure as hell wasn't planned.

Telling people was the worst, I would be fine and then someone would call me and be like, "How are you doing?" The minute the words were out my month, I would be a mess of tears. Scratch that. Half the time I could never get the words out, I 'd have to hand the phone over to my husband and resume my previous crying fetal position on the couch.

I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. My faith in God was still there, however, I felt so abandoned. I didn't understand how he could have let this happen. I had prayed every morning for him to keep my baby safe and healthy. Every night. Every afternoon. Every minute of everyday. Everyday I had thanked him for blessing me with a child. How could he take it away from me? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to go through this? Sometimes I had acted nonchalant about the baby to coworkers or friends, but God knew the truth. He knew how much I loved that baby. Why did he take my baby away from me?

Needless to say that was a DARK chapter of my life. I felt abandoned by God. I felt like a failure. My mother in law told me to get my hormones checked. That can cause miscarriage she says. She thinks she is doing me a favor, so that I can get looked at, but all I think is that this was my fault. I killed my baby. One of my best friends says that it's okay. Most women miscarry their first child. Twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. What I want to let everyone know is...DUH!! I know what the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage are!! It's not okay! It's never effing okay!!

I don't expect people to care. I don't expect people to understand. I didn't. I knew several people that have had miscarriages over the years, and I had NO idea what they went through. The complete and total devastation.


Well, anyway, it does take a while to heal. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. I feel a lot better, though, this past few months. And it's official, we are officially "trying" to have a baby. I am that person and it's okay. In the past couple of months, I have learned everything I can about TTC. I have learned about charting my basal body temperatures, and cervical mucous. I have learned about ovulation predictors and when to test and when not to test. I have been tested by my doctor and she says I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and put me on Clomid. This month is my first round. I am supposed to go in on day 15 (Next Tuesday!!) of my cycle to get an ultrasound. My doctor says she should be able to tell me exactly when I am going to ovulate. I am also using an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit). I wonder how long it will take to get pregnant, doing everything I have learned. I am not naive enough to believe that just because I am doing all this I will get pregnant. I have quite a few online friends who have gone through all this and still were unable to get pregnant.

I just hope that's not case with me. Time will tell. I'll keep you posted.

Omigod I cannot believe I am posting this!!!!!

I weight 268 lbs. I just got on the scale in my bathroom and that's what it said. It's really hard for me to post my actual weight. For years, I haven't told anybody my weight or my actual size, because I am embarrassed and ashamed. I guess I have been hopeful that people would guess me at a smaller weight if they didn't know the truth. I am going to try to let go of this lie. No more convincing myself that this number on the scale is some secret private thing that I have to live with in secret. The funny thing is that it has never really been secret. You can look at me and tell.

Speak

I decided to write this blog because I feel like I need to speak. I need to admit to myself that I'm tired. That I'm tired of pretending. I pretend all the time. I pretend that I not scared of being overweight the rest of my life. I pretend that I'm over my miscarriage that I had exactly 7 months and 18 days ago. I'm also tired of the lying to myself. Believing that it's okay to be diagnosed with high cholesterol. At least I'm young, I've told myself. People don't have heart attacks when they are 27.

I'm writing this because I know I need to change. I'm writing this to help change my way of thinking and to hold myself accountable. I'm writing this to help me deal with my past and to help me cherish my present. I'm writing this to help prepare myself for my future, whatever it may hold.

Reading my brother's blog inspired me to begin this journey online. Also, all of my friend's on the TTCAL board on thebump.com. They let me see how much support you can get from an online community.