07 June 2009

TTC (Trying To Concieve)

A couple of years ago a coworker of mine,commented on how he never wanted to have to try to have a baby. At the time I completely agreed with him. I thought trying to have a baby would be no fun! I always figured I would just let happen when it's supposed to happen.

Well, that was exactly how it did happened. Surprise BFP (big fast positive) last September, and then a crushing blow to my heart less then one month later. No, the baby wasn't planned, but the miscarriage sure as hell wasn't planned.

Telling people was the worst, I would be fine and then someone would call me and be like, "How are you doing?" The minute the words were out my month, I would be a mess of tears. Scratch that. Half the time I could never get the words out, I 'd have to hand the phone over to my husband and resume my previous crying fetal position on the couch.

I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. My faith in God was still there, however, I felt so abandoned. I didn't understand how he could have let this happen. I had prayed every morning for him to keep my baby safe and healthy. Every night. Every afternoon. Every minute of everyday. Everyday I had thanked him for blessing me with a child. How could he take it away from me? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to go through this? Sometimes I had acted nonchalant about the baby to coworkers or friends, but God knew the truth. He knew how much I loved that baby. Why did he take my baby away from me?

Needless to say that was a DARK chapter of my life. I felt abandoned by God. I felt like a failure. My mother in law told me to get my hormones checked. That can cause miscarriage she says. She thinks she is doing me a favor, so that I can get looked at, but all I think is that this was my fault. I killed my baby. One of my best friends says that it's okay. Most women miscarry their first child. Twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. What I want to let everyone know is...DUH!! I know what the percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage are!! It's not okay! It's never effing okay!!

I don't expect people to care. I don't expect people to understand. I didn't. I knew several people that have had miscarriages over the years, and I had NO idea what they went through. The complete and total devastation.

Well, anyway, it does take a while to heal. Physically I was fine, but emotionally I was a wreck. I feel a lot better, though, this past few months. And it's official, we are officially "trying" to have a baby. I am that person and it's okay. In the past couple of months, I have learned everything I can about TTC. I have learned about charting my basal body temperatures, and cervical mucous. I have learned about ovulation predictors and when to test and when not to test. I have been tested by my doctor and she says I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and put me on Clomid. This month is my first round. I am supposed to go in on day 15 (Next Tuesday!!) of my cycle to get an ultrasound. My doctor says she should be able to tell me exactly when I am going to ovulate. I am also using an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit). I wonder how long it will take to get pregnant, doing everything I have learned. I am not naive enough to believe that just because I am doing all this I will get pregnant. I have quite a few online friends who have gone through all this and still were unable to get pregnant.

I just hope that's not case with me. Time will tell. I'll keep you posted.

1 comment:

  1. you nailed it perfectly. Hopefully you'll get your BFP again soon and you'll have a wonderful 9 months ahead of you! I'll be praying for you!